👩‍🍳Your Marriage Needs a Front Burner 🔥

Here on Earth your partnership with your spouse is supposed to be number one. Yet somehow, it's the first thing we let slide when life gets crazy.

I know it b/c I’m living it.  My wife and I have made a commitment together that I’m going to continue growing my career while I work with you all to grow something that’s our very own. But it comes with sacrifices. We have to decide if 1 hour at 930p is meant for Marketing, or sitting together to plan how we show up for one another in the next month.  

The fact that I'm guilty of it too? That's exactly why I’m reading, writing and thinking about it.  I hope it helps you consider it, too. 

Till Death Do You Part

Hate to admit it, but we take marriage (I really hope my audience knows the Princess Bride reference above) for granted because it's supposed to be forever. We make a BIG commitment "for better or worse," but that can become the accidental excuse to prioritize everything else. After all, they'll always be there... right?

According to research by The Gottman Institute, couples wait an average of six years of being “unhappy” before seeking help. That's six years of letting your relationship simmer on the back burner before doing something about it¹ .

Sahil Bloom recently wrote about “the places your relationship goes to die”, (an ode to Charlie Munger) so you don’t ever go to that place. I damn near ripped the page out and stapled it to my head as a reminder. I refuse to go to that place, and I know none of us want to go there. But I think if we’re not a little more careful- or perhaps intentional - a great relationship can be susceptible to death by 1000 cuts. 

Those ‘cuts’ will be what your relationship feels if shoved to the back burner (versus placed there intentionally and occasionally):

• The "quick check" of email that turns into 90 minutes of work after dinner.

• The extra work meeting that cancels dinner several times a month. 

• The Netflix binge that becomes a nightly ritual alone, instead of talking to your spouse. 

• 2 hours of Tik Tok rotting at the end of the night to “decompress”, instead of putting an hour towards one another and goals you say you want to work on. 

• The kids' activities that have driven 98% of the calendar to a place of insanity. 

Go Front Burner…Sometimes

Most of us are working with limited burners. Career on one, kids on another, and... s*it, we're out of front burners. So the relationship gets pushed to the back, where it simmers on low heat, getting just enough attention to keep from burning out completely.  And SOMETIMES a dish can do well just maintaining and waiting. But something worth serving gets time and attention, and you’ve actually got to put something into the secret sauce. 

And when couples spend just one hour more per week focusing on their relationship, their satisfaction increases by up to 50%² . One. Hour. That's less time than most of us spend scrolling Instagram in a day.

Systems Beat Willpower Every Time

I'm going to go with a philosophy that's practical and explains a great approach better than I would on my own. James Clear explains that making good habits easier rather than relying on willpower is how you make changes happen.

The Willpower Trap: When your visceral reaction to a challenge is "you're right, I just need to try harder and force more attention and time" I'd refer to his approach on the matter.

His Approach in Action:

• Don't want to scroll social apps so much? Just remove them from your phone entirely.

• Want to read more? Make a physical book the only thing on your nightstand when you get into bed.

Applied to Relationships: Instead of beating yourself up about not being more romantic or present, what if you had systems in place to make showing up for your relationship the easy choice?

Just like having a personal trainer makes you more likely to hit the gym, having the right support and systems makes you more likely to prioritize your partnership. And like every other habit, if systems get it onto the front burner, you're likely to see positive effects and it's likely to become "baked in the sauce", making it easier and easier to just happen.

You Already Do This: You likely already have at least one example of something where you have the discipline to ensure it's on your calendar and you don't skip it. A lot of times it's at work:

"I don't want to do this analysis…but I know it is the thing that is going to create 30% growth for my team if I follow it through."

You schedule the work block, you 'plan for the plan' and then you stick to it over weeks or even months and that non-instant gratification is incredibly worth it later.

Make It Nice

When you move your relationship to the front burner, everything else gets easier. Your parenting game improves because you're working as a team. Your career benefits because you have solid support at home. It's that upward spiral effect.

Put the system, the plan for the plan, in place.  A default reaction from some of my clients and prospects is “this seems so ridiculous and unnecessary…I really need a task on my calendar to tell my husband about a specific moment of appreciation”? 

My answer: “when’s the last time you did it on a whim in your busy schedule? Are you content with your answer?”

Some practical ways to get started. Take the friction out of the process.

Get Cooking

Your relationship doesn't need hours of attention every day. It and you just need to know it will get pulled forward to be worked on so it can go simmer safely when all the other things are happening “at you”. 

With the right time AND attention time can season, cure, and develop that item while it sits on the back burner.  

Time left on its own? Things just rot.

Sometimes that means letting other things - yes, even the kids' extracurriculars - simmer in the back for a bit.  I believe it b/c I’ve seen it both ways. And just a few well placed ingredients that can’t be missed can change the game. And I like gamechangers.

🥂,

Hat