🙅‍♀️ You won't... (and why that's awesome)

Happy Sunday. You’re still wiping makeup off your kids and yourselves…pro tip: lean all the way in and just party through day 2 of Dia de Los Muertos.

Short, snappy and impactful this week I hope. Creation vs. consumption (and the conversion and curation that come along) led me tradeoffs, which led me to “anti” frameworks. I’ve come across them often, the 2 most relevant for me are anti-goals (recently amplified by Sahil Bloom) and anti-trends from Greg Isenberg.

Rather than thinking of all the things you’ll do, the new habits you’ll form, the goals you’ll set, the new rituals you’ll create as a family…what about defining what you absolutely refuse to give up? What if establishing tried, simple, foundational truths rather than looking at the newest science could make a family principle stick for 40 years?

For busy couples trying to keep their partnership out of the backseat while building careers and raising kids? I am finding there’s some really helpful aspects that come from the opposite of where your instincts may go. I hope my exploration shared here provides you grounding in things you may know, and unveils a few you’ve never encountered.

TL;DR DIGEST

What We're Seeing: Couples love the idea of Date Night Done, but they’re very hesitatne to give up control. They know planning is a time suck, but their fear of less than perfect outings for the $$ they’ll spend ices them trying us. We get it and trying to address it.

Client Win: Mark & Lisa defined their anti-goal: "Our adult relationship deserves at least 4 hours a month”. Sometimes that’s a date night, but they’re also making an hour here and there to “look long”.

Reality Check: Defining what you won't do is how you protect what you will.

Date Night Done is growing!

More busy couples are checking out Date Night Done. But we still need more experimentation runs to hone our hospitality.

We’re giving away 5 more free date night curations this week. And we’ll attempt it in any city! We just ask for feedback and referrals if you love your experience!

4 ANTI-CONCEPTS THAT ACTUALLY WORK

Anti-Goals: The Lines You Won't Cross

I know I want to grow my side-hustle business to $100K in the next year. But at what cost? I realized it’s critical that if I am going to do what I want and HOW I want to do it, anti-goals are critical. Establish what you won’t do to achieve your goals. It really helps to know your anti-goal is that you won’t miss more than 5 bedtimes in your household. Travel needs, BD dinners, etc. really get prioritized at that point. Powerful!

Via Negativa: Subtraction Beats Addition

Taleb's principle: remove what's harming you rather than adding more "good" things. Your relationship doesn't need another date night idea (who said that?) - it needs you to delete the behavior killing connection.

Stop the late-night doomscrolling that steals conversation time. Kill the habit of bringing work stress to bed (possible but easier said than done…same with kid stress). Remove the app that steals your thumbs and your attention for hours at a time…

Identify ONE behavior to eliminate this month. Not reduce. Eliminate. Track it like a work deliverable. Less…but better.

Stoic Dichotomy of Control: The Energy Audit

You control: How you respond. Whether you initiate. Your effort in planning quality time. Your own emotional regulation. What you sell and how you sell it.

You don't control: Whether they change. Their reactions. If they appreciate what you do. Whether they see things your way. Whether they buy.

Epictetus was brutal about this 2,000 years ago and it's still true: focus all your energy on the first list. Stop burning calories on the second.

Negative Capability: Sitting in the Uncertainty

Keats coined this in 1817: the ability to exist in doubt without rushing to resolve it. Your spouse is in a mood - you don't need to solve it, diagnose it, or make it about you. In work, parenting, etc. sometimes it’s completely reasonable to sit in the problem and observe/understand. Not every problem needs your intervention. And sometimes it’s the lack of intervention that solves the problem or clarifies your thinking!

Sometimes the answer is just "huh, they're going through something" and being present without fixing. Any fixers out there 🙋? This is tough but important.

APPLY TO YOUR DOMAINS

Partnership
What's one thing you absolutely won't sacrifice about your relationship, even when work gets insane? Have you told your spouse? Is it protected on your calendar?

Parenting
What's your anti-goal for your kids' schedules? "We won't have activities 5+ nights per week" creates more space than "we should have more family dinners."

Personal
What will you eliminate (not reduce) that's stealing your energy? That extra glass of wine? The news binge? The comparison scrolling? The insistence of a weekly golf round that takes 6+ hours away from other things you actually care about more?

Professional
What won't you give up for your career advancement? Time with your kids under 5? Your marriage? Your health? Write it down and frame how you won’t give it up. Use it to make next month's decisions and thereafter.

Anti-Matters

The anti-themes are almost a sort of tradeoff. Knowing what you want but knowing what you will or more importantly absolutely will not give up to get it. Give up some time thinking the typical way you do, in order to get a new perspective or a restraint against falling into a pattern known as a rut. It also starts to setup the constraints from which you'll operate or prioritize when things are not easy. And Anti concepts ensure you don't meet an objective at a horrific price.

See anywhere it fits at home? Work, for the benefit of your family or yourself? Give it a think and have a great week.

🍻 

Hat