“It’s basically cheating”?

This moment stopped me in my tracks.

"So you're basically building a cheating service for busy husbands?"

I was pitching Appairent - our service helping busy professionals strengthen their relationships - when this comment landed like a kick to the d*ck.  My first reaction? Defensiveness. My second? Curiosity.

Because hidden in that misunderstanding was an uncomfortable truth about how we view relationship support, and an insight for how to support more couples that have challenges like mine.

When I found myself having some trouble juggling everything- and realized my wife was having the same - that’s when Appairent began. “If there was a service that made sure our relationship had time on the calendar and some key planning activities planned or just done for us I would gladly buy it.” Short of $1000’s a month in PA help or crappy  fractional services that didn’t get the problem, I couldn’t really find it. 

I didn’t stop to think that my wife might see that as me outsourcing THE relationship i.e. cheating. The reason is b/c my whole reason for thinking about it was to ensure I’m more present. I WANT to be there, do things together, put the relationship first…I just quickly conceded that it topples over under the mental load of…everything else. 

The Intention-Execution Gap

Think about it: We hire trainers for fitness. Coaches for business. Nannies for childcare. Meal services for nutrition. Nobody bats an eye.

But suggest getting help with your relationship? Suddenly it's "taking the easy way out" or "inauthentic” or goes in the negative connotation category of “counseling” even if we’re not saying anything is on the rocks.

This makes no sense when you consider what actually happens in most relationships. I can't tell you how many times I've thought, "I should plan something special" or "I need to tell her how much that thing she did meant to me."

Then what happens? Life. Work emergencies. Kid meltdowns. And that brilliant relationship intention evaporates like morning fog.

This isn't a character flaw. It's just how our brains work in a world designed to fracture our attention. The distance between intention and execution is where most good relationship moments die. Not the relationship, just the moments. But enough of those moments go in a gutter and it takes a toll.

I recently watched a couple transform their relationship with a simple change: they hired help for a few hours each day to handle household chaos when they first get home. The kicker? They don't use this time to work more. They use it to reconnect as a couple or have quality time with their child.

The result? A completely different energy between them. That stacks.

Building Relationship Infrastructure

Power couples have known this forever. They don't have more hours in the day - they just have systems that ensure their relationship doesn't get lost in the chaos.

"Planning to plan" sounds like the least romantic thing ever.  But I've seen the sea change in my own relationship when a date night, tennis hour, or four-day getaway without kids arrives - and it's all taken care of because we planned weeks, days or months in advance.

One couple I work with has stuck with almost every accountability prompt for two months straight, taking those "final mile" actions - unexpected gifts, quality time, words of affirmation - that they always intended but rarely executed before.  Little changes→big change.

When studies show 80% of marriages struggle after children arrive, this isn't because those couples suddenly stopped loving each other. It's because their relationship infrastructure collapsed under new demands.

Think about it this way: your spouse ever been mad when you “outsource” to the chef and the server at a Michelin star restaurant?  Of course not. Your intention was to treat them and create an experience, but your only act was making a reservation b/c you knew the rest would be handled better by others. 

Cheating? Of course not. In the end it’s a smart allocation of time, and leaving the final mile execution to the couple. That real execution? Being present for the experience.

Delegate Yo’Self

The irony is this newsletter is in fact the DIY approach to strengthen your relationship in practical ways. So, here’s a couple ways to do a little outsourcing that your future self will thank you for, by strengthening the infrastructure a bit. 

Rich People Smart

Between career demands, kid schedules, and basic life maintenance, finding quality time with your partner feels like trying to schedule a meeting with yourself from a parallel universe.

"Just make more time for your relationship!"

Cool, let me just pull that extra hour out of my... wait, no. That's not how time works.  And rich people don’t fall prey to that idea. They delegate to make sure the intended action and subsequent consequence they desire happens.

What actually works is getting smarter about the time you have. This means treating your relationship like the partnership it is - not something that happens by accident when you're both finally done with everything else. If some delegation and external accountability makes it happen, fine.

Focus on the outcome, not ensuring you’re the sole hero that made it happen. As one client put it: "We're not outsourcing our relationship. We're outsourcing the obstacles that get in its way."

🍻 

Hat