The Things You Can't See

Everything I Never See

This week was...a week. You know the kind. Mine was the consultant version: two nights away to visit a client for tough conversations and opportunistic pitches, squeezed between client lunches and dinners. That meant two sleepless nights, a 6am return flight, and a sprint to finish packing before a 4pm-1am drive toward our Thanksgiving destination. A lot for kids, dogs…anybody.

Once we safely arrived in Maryland, my wife and I were talking (okay, I was talking), and I'd just fused together my last two sentences without taking a breath. I was explaining a work situation, my exhaustion from the last 36 hours, and something I'd heard in the book Effortless that related to it all...

"Have you stopped to take a breath in the last 10 minutes?" she asked.

"No, you're right. It’s no Elon Musk storm, but that’s what my brain looks like nonstop. You can't see it, but thinking about how to succeed at work, carve out time for our side hustle, be present with you all, rest more so I don't die early—it's all up here ticking away 24/7."

"Yeah," she said. "Show me the list in your phone that's dealing with Christmas gifts for everyone we know."

Duck Feet

I immediately applauded her, echoed that I know she carries a lot, that I'm certainly aware of all she does. But am I? Really?

I applaud her, cheer her on, and we're pushing to run a giving contest rather than keeping a scoreboard. But that one quick question made me stop and say, "God, thank you for all the things I CAN'T see."

I looked back at pictures she'd sent me while I was away. She'd made it to our son's midday chapel Wednesday, and Friday's Thanksgiving feast for the 3-year-olds—both with a 5-month-old in tow. The pictures were pixel-perfect. Our bags were mostly packed when we landed. Items were ordered to meet us at our destination. Thanksgiving recipes were chosen.

You’ve likely heard about how a duck looks calm on the top of the water, but her feet are paddling feverishly underwater to make it all work; it’s a clamorous thrashing/chaotic bunch of effort. Can you imagine the duck feet required to make what I just outlined look easy?

This invisible work is exactly why your spouse deserves a date night. And now the planning itself can be invisible to both of you!

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We’re Both Blind (Thank God)

She can't see the tech/AI strategy doc I developed over the last few weeks that might change our company. She can't see the tough conversations surrounding it. She can't see what goes through my head at 11pm, 1am, 2:20am, 3am before I get up at 4am to prepare for an 18-hour day with an important client.

She doesn't see when I recheck our single-income budget to get it right, or confirm that the life insurance auto-payment went through. She won't see the task-switching required to review a technical data engineering process on my phone, answer a question about a gift for her mom, and take the bottle/baby handoff—all in three minutes.

And I don't want her to have to. If I know she appreciates it, we’re both better off a little blind.

5 Minutes of Gratitude

I can only write down the things I CAN see. What goes on in between all these things to make it work? I don't know, but I'm thankful for those even more.

Take literally 5 minutes or less to do the same. It's really easy to think "if they only knew...maybe they could appreciate it." But then you've got to be ready to have the scales fall off your own eyes. I'd rather thank her for allowing my blindness to some things:

• Pumping 5+ times a day to give our baby the best nutrition

• The thoughtful presents for every person we know at every holiday

• A perfect family staring back at me from school events I might not make (though I do make a lot!)

• A house that's a home with great aesthetic and the ever-long attempt to keep it tidy

• Thoughtful, age-appropriate travel toys for both kids that make travel 100x easier

• Looking like a 10 even when her new clothes shopping list is longer than the grocery list

• The baby starter foods in our cabinet that I've never researched but can trust without a doubt

• The long grocery list I get—because when I think she's scrolling TikTok, she's actually making a meal prep list for the week

• The quality time I get with our neighborhood community that I've never planned but always get to show up to

• The car washed and ready before a trip

• Matching PJs for the kids

• Nine loads of laundry over two days (I also "can't see" how we made that many dirty clothes)

• The waitlists for public and private schools we're on—not where my research brain has been

• [Capped myself at 3 minutes]

Have a great week. Enjoy what's right in front of you (and what's not).

🍻

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