Part 3️⃣: Guilt Compass 🧭

TL;DR Summary

Feeling guilty about prioritizing work over your relationship? Not all guilt is created equal. This 3-minute guide helps you distinguish between false guilt and real guilt. There’s 3 “DIY” practical tests to cut through your own feelings and get to truth so you can act unapologetically…or change course.

A Hustler’s Cancel Culture

I cancelled. A couple of weeks ago my full-time gig had some serious issues in 3 ongoing projects that keep my job afloat. And we had 2 proposals due the same Friday that could make or break the entire end of year. Add a new surge of April users to this Appairent journey and a b2b proposal coming online, and time was effed. I needed to bag our Tuesday night plan for the sitter, tennis and a quick bite at our favorite local spot.

I felt freaking awful.  I was looking forward to it, and so was my wife. Honestly it was hard to use that same time to get anything done b/c I was so frustrated that I had to do that. But I cleared the mechanism and got on with it. 

Boy I felt guilty. I had made a choice that affected both of us and gave work more of a lion’s share of my time…again. 

But wait a minute now. In 5 days we had a 4 day “me and her” annual getaway on the books. We successfully made an hour for tennis the week before. For the last 3 months we had successfully made it out to some form of 1:1 date function, and we had a very good run at making at least 1 night a week to watch an us show.  

After crushing work I stopped to confront that guilt, objectively.  I wasn’t trying to make myself feel better, but I wanted to know the truth. 

Was the guilt a liar…or a biometric alarm?

Need help building relationship systems that hold strong even when work gets crazy?

We built them for you, that’s Appairent.

Because you shouldn’t have to choose between success and partnership—you can have both.

Sign-up now to experience action-oriented concierge and non-nagging accountability for your relationship.

Free for 60 days.

Guilt: Liar or Truth Teller?

When guilt surfaces after choosing work over home, it usually falls into one of two categories:

False Guilt: Anxiety that feels heavy but isn’t grounded in reality—you’ve shown up consistently, it just feels sh*tty to feel like you’re consciously choosing to put your partner in the proverbial backseat.

True Guilt: A real warning that your actions aren't matching the values you claim to hold.  If the only evidence you can find supports that you’re regularly making the tradeoff to work more but those work efforts don’t align to tangible “big moments”, that pang of anxious guilt is here to help you make some changes.

Identifying the difference matters. Because if you misread it, you either beat yourself up unnecessarily—or worse, ignore a real problem until it's too late.  

Maybe the toughest part about this is there really is no appropriate benchmarking stick.  A bit of an ethos we use when developing and delivering Appairent for couples is that we’re looking for comparative improvement, not an absolute target.

We’re never telling people they “should” have 1 date month a night and meet every single night for 10 minutes.  Instead we’re saying where are you now and what do YOU think better looks like in your relationship. Then we work to execute on that intention.

Find Truth North

Before you spiral into self-loathing or brush the guilt off too quickly, try these three tactical approaches to figure out if your guilt is telling you the truth or the guilt is being an unnecessary nagging asshole.  It’s helpful to find that blurry line between “I’m doing this for us.” and “I thought it was for us?”

If the answers to these questions point to legitimately critical moments where tangible outcomes would have suffered, and your partner aligns with that then your guilt is misplaced. But if it seems like a repeated pattern with no offset, and most could have waited or been delegated, your guilt is your internal compass trying to get your attention before things get worse.

The Truth Will Set You Free

The best couples don’t avoid guilt—they listen to it.
They regularly check whether their choices match their priorities—and when they find misalignment, they course-correct early, not after the damage is done.

We can absolutely build a career and our most important relationship at the same time. This is not a zero-sum game if you don’t play it that way.  And if you create some consistency - not some absolute or constant - you can strike when the iron is hot, unapologetically. 

I took my own medicine in the opening story and confronted my wife late that night. Turns out, it didn’t even phase her b/c “I can see your busy, we’ve done great and I’d rather you clear the deck for our trip next week”. The stories our feelings tell aren’t always the truth. 

Next time guilt hits, ask:
What truth is it trying to tell me?
Am I brave enough to listen?

Would love to hear what your "guilt compass" is pointing to—drop a note at [email protected]. I read every single one.

🍻 

Hat