I hate being a parent, and my wife can kiss my ass 🍑 . Also, I hate everyone. These are the deep, dark millisecond thoughts of my alter ego 🙊 . Luckily, they aren’t true. But in a tense, really tough, or stressful moment, I think we all have that “fight or flight” reaction of how we might go nuclear, freak out and 🔥 it all down.

Usually when the smoke settles, it’s laughable how you felt in the moment. And these moments make me evaluate “what’s the truth here?” which is helpful. I hope these rants 👿 resonate, give you a laugh…and remind us all it’s human to get pissed.

This too shall pass, and we can find contentment in all things.

“Me-Time” was a Wash

Picture this: my night off from the parenting gig, a precious few hours of "me- time." I took the dog out and whipped up dinner for my dude to help grease the skids at home. All that was left was a shower, easy.

Nerp, not that simple. My son decided bath night should be shower night, and I was the chosen one to join him. No biggie, right?

Wrong. The handheld faucet could only be used if i was aimed directly into my face like one of those g.d. water gun 🤡 games on the boardwalk. I mustered up patience, washing him while my eyes pressure washed shut. But heaven forbid I try to rinse him off – the shrieks could've woken the dead!

My wife, bless her heart, stood outside like a spectator at a gladiator match. Sensing an opportunity for wit, I belted out, "Thanks for letting me whitewash the fence on my night off, Tom Sawyer!" And thus began a delightful exchange. One of those where you all each other honey and smile in front of the kid, but the temperature and the volume crescendos 📈…

In a moment of brilliance (or insanity), I shampooed my dude's hair. You'd think I was pouring acid on his head. He’s shouting, I’m screaming “IT’S FINE IT’S FINE…G.D. IT’S FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE”, our voices bouncing off that shower-singing echo everyone loves.

As my son's wails reached a crescendo, I found myself explaining at jet engine volume to my wife (in full echo chamber mind you):

I CAN SEE HOW YOU FIGURED I ENVISIONED ME-TIME AS TWO NAKED DUDES IN A SHOWER, BEING BLINDED BY FLUID IN MY EYES…BUT I HAD SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN MIND FOR TONIGHT!

The Truth of the Sitch

I nearly went too far, but my wife showed grace and shrugged me off once I navigated out of the torture chamber with our little guy. The whole episode only lasted minutes (that’s what she said). It was actually cute and hilarious and I’m glad I was a part of it. My wife takes on so many 1 on 1 times with our son when I don’t, that I’m thankful I still get opportunities to go think/separate at all. “Losing” 15 minutes of self-time to set her up a little bit better gained me a memory with my son, a laugh, and a thankful partner.