Great teammates, mediocre partners (here's why)

The Truth & The Treadmill

I want to be a purveyor of truth. Same for this newsletter and my company. And I want the same for you. This past week or so my wife and I have probably been some of the best teammates I’ve seen - 4-person family will do that to you!

I felt on top of the world when I was able to successfully start at 4a; clean bottle/pump parts; take the early baby shift and feed the toddler; work a focused 8 hours; step in the back door and become a mule of service on the laundry, dishes, milk freezing, dog walks, and midnight feeds…whatever’s necessary.

By Friday I was dragging and my performance dipped a bit…I whiffed a few times and left my teammate struggling a bit. I went from feeling like I was Superhusband to feeling like one of those guys you see on the Maury Povich show. I felt like I had let the whole team down, my efforts were weak and I left a lot to be desired.

But the truth was that I was still a supportive partner, did a lot of good and was still in the game, just tired in the last inning of the week. The other truth was we’ve been amazing teammates, but we’re a bit stuck on the treadmill that comes with an infant household (and that’s ok).

Take some inspiration from the following to step off the treadmill here and there, and just be partners. The truth is easier to see when the partnership aspect isn’t shoved in the backseat, despite superior performance.

Can you do 1 or more of these things? I’d be grateful.

1. Share w/ your work. Owner? Leader? We want to bring this way overlooked wellness benefit to every caregiver in your workforce. Better teammates with less burnout and less mental load. Let’s change the game.

2. Forward/refer a friend for the newsletter if you think we can be helpful to their partnership at home.

3. Sign-up for Appairent Essentials - DIY is possible but you’ve got a lot on. I want one more thing to manage, so you don’t have to.

TL;DR DIGEST

Quick hits through our lens for busy couples who get there’s value to being great teammates AND partners:

What We're Seeing: 67% of our couples describe themselves as "great teammates, struggling partners" when they start with us.

Client Win: Rachel & Tom realized they hadn't talked about anything non-logistical in 3 weeks despite spending hours together daily. Now they protect 20 minutes every Tuesday for "non-business conversation."

Reality Check: Your feelings will convince you that you're either relationship heroes or complete failures based on last week's performance. Neither is true. Give yourself some credit.

THE SHOW UP PLAYBOOK

These come from some of the ways we help couples build infrastructure. Steal 1 or more and implement yourself. These are practical…it’s why we’re called Appairent: it’s obvious, not always easy.

Physical Touch We remind clients that 20-second hugs release oxytocin - the bonding hormone.
DIY version: Set a phone reminder for 8 PM this week: "Hug your spouse for 20 seconds." Sounds absurd that you’d need an alarm…until you think back to the last hug that wasn’t a rote departure/arrival gesture for 2 seconds.

Quality Time We block "no-phone zones" in our couples' calendars - even 15 minutes counts.
DIY hack: Every Sunday, find one 15-minute window in the coming week and put "Phone-free conversation" on both calendars. Honor it like a client meeting.

Acts of Service We arrange for clients to handle one household task their spouse always manages without being asked.
DIY option: Take over something that's usually "theirs" for the entire week - kids' lunches, trash disposal, or grocery pickup. Don't announce it, just do it.

For our Appairent couples, we handle the coordination and reminders. For DIY'ers, now you have the framework and some tangible actions to take.

THIS MONTH'S PLAY: THE PLANNING DATE

📣 @WIVES, this one's yours to orchestrate (avoiding duplicate effort since both partners read this)

The Setup: A 90-minute "business meeting" for your relationship - but make it enjoyable (maybe I’m the sick one, but a good business meeting is already highly enjoyable).

Your Tasks:

• Book a coffee shop or set up the dining room table. We actually go to a favorite wine bar spot Baba’s on Meeting during apertif hour and bring laptops. Some don’t like to mix doing with dating, but we like the working date as an occasional modality.

• Block both calendars in the next month (preferably the next week but we know it may already be spoken for).

• Prepare simple agenda: What's working? What isn't? What do we want to prioritize this month? This time audit is also a great place to start.

• Leave w/ your calendar speaking for your partnership the same way it does for your work agenda.

The Text: "Sunday we're having our first partnership check-in that isn't about the kids or the house. Bring your calendar and your brain."

Why This Works: Treats your relationship with the same intentionality as business; creates space for real conversation; establishes intention and execution; feels productive, not heavy.

The Follow-Up: Whatever you decide, immediately put it on both calendars. Don't leave the table without specific dates and times blocked.

For our Appairent couples, this appears as a structured session with prep work and follow-up coordination handled. But obviously everyone “can” do it if they just…do it.

This Week’s Value Add Challenge

Partner: Ask your spouse about something they're excited about or struggling with that has nothing to do with family management. Dreams - and barriers to them - get forgotten about too often when we’re on the treadmill.

Parent: Take one thing off your kid's schedule this week to create breathing room for your family. Yes, they'll survive missing one activity.

Person: Toss 5 articles of clothing you know you don’t use/need anymore. Less is less mental load thanks to the paradox of choice. Simplify.

Pick at least ONE. Execute by next Sunday.

Take a Walk

The truth is that we’re not “losing”. We’re doing a lot of good. And better (if you’re interested) is a few degrees away, not a 180 from today.

That treadmill is “ok”, but we can all step off it for 30 minutes here or there and just be partners again. You can step off the 12 hour workday once this week. You can step off parenting- give them the ipad for 30 mins and go be adults for a sec. You can step off, make a frozen drink and party like grownups from 5-530 on a Thursday just because.

Treadmills were made for executing controlled performance.

Every now and then, just take a freaking walk.

🍻 

Hat