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Balancing Life as a Modern Dad: Parent, Partner, and Person
I'm experimenting with a new concept for "modern dads". Here's my Simon Sinek "why" story.
Michael Hatfield
April 14, 2024
The tl;dr of my story
I am struggling considerably to find and manage a balance I find “acceptable” in my “home life”. That is, achieving a balance I find acceptable between being a parent, a partner, and my own person. I don’t think I’m alone. And I think there’s got to be a way for that to be easier. F!@k “work/life balance”...what about just balancing the 3 roles a parent plays in life?!
I’m experimenting with ways to provide an actual assist- not just inspirational readings - to dads like me. If they have more time and mental capacity to do the parts only they can do, maybe everyone’s better for it. I have a vision for doing this for all people who are partners and parents…baby steps.
Read on if this resonates for you or your spouse…there’s a lot to unpack (but a lot of good going on too), so here I go.
Stepped in it: becoming a “modern dad”
I think I’m what is called a “modern dad”. I looked it up, I guess it fits:
“Fundamentally, modern dads are passionate, sensitive and interested, with dads wanting to help raise well-adjusted, caring children.”
I’m sure there were plenty “modern dads” before the term was mainstream-coined. But I get it: dads in previous generations carried a different stereotype.
Work a lot/”breadwinner”*
didn’t cook/feed kids much**
did outdoor chores mostly
often played “the enforcer”
* I’m convinced they loved their kids too, I’m not saying this is something new my generation does. Don’t misquote me here.
**Clearer now than ever to me women have been working their asses off in 100 different ways for decades, often in the same, competing ways listed above. My writings are a dad’s reflection, not a mom/dad comparison. Don’t twist it
Modern dad: the missing definition
After 2 years of being a modern dad, here’s what’s missing in the “modern dad” definition for me. It’s the tactical stuff!
Part of it is that there’s a very even contribution to all things “at home”.
“Work life” still exists, and still matters to me. I like timeboxing but it’s not always a 9-5. And, building relationships and doing quality work matters.
In my case, for now, Dad is still also the main income earner. This is not a badge of honor, but even if I don’t connect my identity to my work-life, I have to play the game and make my contribution to keep the earnings “safe”.
Traditional man/dad roles haven’t changed much from my observations. I still own handyman work/services, outdoor chores/maintenance, etc. I happen to like those things.
I also still want to whisk my wife off her feet, do romantic things, and create those moments of delight we all know women want to feel. And yes, occasionally I want to get laid b/c of it.
I don’t have hard evidence here, but it seems like beyond kid extracurriculars, there’s much more expectation of “family hangs” and play. I.e. the time I saw parents of my generation doing chores at home in afternoons/weekends is much more compressed today with more and more social outings. Not a bad thing, just creates time compression if you don’t want to rock the boat.
Note: no doubt someone reading will say “no shit Sherlock, that’s what moms have dealt with for at least 30 years” and I agree. Again, don’t take the unwritten as a sign of my blindness. I’m not.
The rub: balancing these roles alone is critical…and futile.
Individually these are all… fine? It’s when they mount together that I have no clue how anyone gets/keeps their head above water. Some might say “what water are you drowning in? Work hard, take care of business, wake up and do it all again”.
I do. And I’m good at it. But while I believe in consistency, I also believe that consistently making pockets for very, VERY different roles is critical to be better in all other counterbalanced roles. That is:
Person
The occasional pub crawl w/ your mates for a long happy hour, with no recourse or all your chores waiting for you when you get home, makes you a better husband and dad.
Parent
Dedicated, intentional time with one/all of your kids, wholly focused on them and not your phone or multitasking, will make you a more thankful, grateful person and spouse.
Partner
A 1:1 date with your wife to go play tennis and have lunch as a couple…priceless to being your best you and bringing your best self over to your parenting.
And it’s these tactical issues of trying to be a present, more intentional dad that leave my head spinning. These aren’t “problems” per se…I GET to have these roles to balance. But they’re challenges I’m sure many face or have noticed before. Where there’s a challenge, no doubt plenty of people have offered solutions. I appreciate the options, but I immediately scratch a few off of the list as viable solutions:
Viable solutions for modern dads
They haven’t worked for me yet…
Potential Solution | Failed so far because… |
|---|---|
Throw money at the problem. Outsource, pay someone else to do stuff and get yourself back some time. | We can’t afford it. We budget, control our money and right or wrong we can’t afford it in current state. Lawn services, more cleaning services, etc. would leave us living paycheck to paycheck and earn me 3 hours/week of “freedom”... maybe. |
Boo- fucking hoo. You don’t need a solution, you need to stfu and man up, this is how it is. | Heard. I do man-up. And I do it w/ a smile. I just think in 2024 there’s tech/access to make things easier/better so I’m exploring. Also, fuck off. |
Follow the actions based on the 5 languages of love or <enter a well-written marriage/dad book here> | The lists/actions are SUPERB. It doesn’t fix the root cause: time/organization of time, and execution of intention. That’s a personal problem of mine…but isn’t it most people’s problem? |
Use your calendar to fiercely guard and block your time. If you set time up in advance for certain aspects of your life you can plan, monitor and execute far better than you can in the moment. | This is definitely a strong move and one that helps tremendously. My experience personally, and talking to people about this, is that individual execution of this is far easier said than done. If something/someone helped me, that’d pay dividends. |
What’s a man to do?
So what’s a man to do? I’m ECSTATIC I’m faced with this challenge. Best challenge ever. I’m not jumping right to a solution. Sometimes we have to fall in love with the problem first to find a real and last solution. But I am convinced there’s got to be ways to provide assistance that makes the balancing act a little easier for people like me. Advice and feedback welcome.